Rough ride....

Today had been a confusing day for me.

Argument broke out.....we argued before but this is

bad....

It's over something that we both want

but somehow we argued about it.

I should probably document all our journey here so someday when

i look back at it....

i'll know the exact detail.

But no matter how detail it is...it still cannot capture

it truly.

So our IVF journey starts this year....

First appointment was in January...

I did the blood test and we went through the whole

description of the procedure again

with Dr Natasha, the specialist.

She tried to do Pap Smear for me

but then discovered that i have polyps.

So the pap smear was not done

and she instead scheduled a colposcopic procedure for me.

Well...what?

colpo ...what?

I had no idea until i went there for the second

appointment with another gyne...

I asked the nurse what it is and she said

putting a camera in someone's womb to see

if there's any growth etc.

SO...yeah...i thought....camera....so it wont be that bad...

Argh...if only i knew.

The procedure lasted almost 2 hours....

Almost a full 2 hours of excruciating pain.

Like even with the anesthetic but it was still so so so

painful.

The doc removed the polyps or rather performed a

minor surgery and there's nothing i could pretty much do

about it.

I wasn't prepared for the surgery but

still had to go through with it.

Half way through the removal...it was so painful that

i started to imagine how i would feel once it was over.

How relieved and how the pain would end and

how i could go back and crawled into my

bed and slept until ...yeah...

i woke up and the pain is no longer there.

When the whole was over....i could barely stand up...

my legs were like jelly....from the

strain of standing the pain.

I felt like falling over on the floor...

or just sprawled on the floor clutching my abdomen for hours...

I felt like crawling into a dark hole and hibernating for years

and never coming out.

Argh....i took 2 ponstant which did not kill the pain by the way...

and walked down to the

main counter to deal with the paper work.

All the while Chin was complaining and ranting me out for

not remembering to renew my guaranty letter.

So...yeah...i had to call the school asking the clerk to fax it

over and waited for a while before i could go for the blood test.

Another blood test.

Did he ask how was the procedure? Nope.

Did he asked what they did to me for the

whole 2 hours? Nope.

Did he ask me if i was scared? Nope.

Did he reassured me that it's okay to be scared and that

he would hold my hands when the pain was unbearable?

Yeah...that's my problem....

We didn't talk about ths like a couple should...

He just assumed that i am okay with

the whole thing and that i will brave it out....

And that i will not show any fear once my stomach is

being poked for 6 days...

and that i will be brave enough to go through the retrieval surgery...

and finally if everything is successful....

the transfer.

How do i really feel about this whole process?

Let me see...

I always know that nothing comes easy in my life.

When i was young....i did not get a scholarship because i am Chinese...

It was back then ya.

So...i had to see my friends getting stuff they want

while i couldn't.

I had to study extra hard so i could stay on top.

Even when working...i had to work extra hard so

i could get things that i want....

I always know that God would never give me things easily in my life...

even having a family...

i have to go through what i dread most....

the pain...the syringes....the medication.

It should be easy....like everybody else...

For some people...babies are like popping out

of them in no time at all...

For me...even to get one is lucky enough.

And there is only 25% or maybe 35% chances of

getting it right and successful

But yeah...i do agree with Kak Zu...

there are people who have it easy and there are people like

me...those who have to fight for everything.

So...i have accepted it that this is the one way i have to try.

But even knowing so...does not make the fear go away.

Even knowing so does not make the uncertainty fade.

It does not make one prepare for the whole painful procedure.

Imagine that there are people out there

who purposely make their wives go through with it so they can

have a son....when they already have so many daughters...sick....

I have made up my mind...so i will be strong in facing this.

Yeah...i keep chanting that line in my head now for the past 3 months.

It's like a mantra in me...

which does not make me feel better.

Definitely.